This Cross

I'm home today. Again. I've had people question it. And while I don't feel the need to defend myself to them, I do feel like talking (well not really, but I feel like Someone is tugging at me to).

I've missed for a lot of reasons. Migraines. Bronchitis. Sinus infection. Autoimmune issues. Scheduling a tonsillectomy. Infertility.

Did you catch that? I tried to slip it in, hoping it might go unnoticed. I've been trying to do that for awhile now. But Someone keeps telling me He's given me this blog outlet for a reason and that maybe it's time I use it to support someone else. I don't know who that someone else is. It seems like everyone I know is perfectly fertile. (That's not true and to my dear friends that are struggling- I love you. I get it. I do. And I'm guessing you feel the same way about "everyone" sometimes.)

So. There it is. It's out there. You are welcome to stop reading now.

But.

But if you want to know how I really feel (and it's ugly). Go right ahead. But you cant say I didn't warn you to proceed with caution.

Please don't tell me that it will happen in God's time. I know God has perfect timing. And perfect plans. But I don't believe His perfect plans are the same for everyone. How can you know what God's perfect plan for my life is?

Please don't tell me what a great mother I would be. Please don't tell me what a great dad R would be. I'd like to think that's true. But since my body feels the need to kill off any chance of a baby, I already feel like a terrible mother. And if we never get that chance- that hurts to think about. It hurts when I'm working with kids and they call me mom. It hurts when my niece is playing and calls me mom. It hurts when you tell me I'd be a good mom. It hurts.

Please don't tell me to just adopt. "Just" adopt? Really? Have you looked into it? Do you know anything about it? Have you been told that you aren't going to be able to get a loan for it? Adoption has been on my heart since I was little. I've always wanted to adopt. Then reality hit and the truth is it's hard. But let's make a deal. You can tell me to "just" adopt then R and I will work through the emotional, heartbreaking end of it and you can work out the $30,000 end of it. Thanks.

Please forgive me when I cry as you complain about your pregnancy. And your bratty kids. And what a pain your pregnancy and bratty kids are. I hope that someday I get it.

I got an email from my MIL this week. I deleted it so this is going to be a (probably really bad) version of it. But it was something like this.....

This guy was bearing a huge cross. It was so heavy so he pleaded with God to make his load lighter to bear. He kept sawing his cross down shorter and shorter. Then, he got to a canyon. The people with him on the journey were able to lay their heavy crosses down across the canyon and use them as a bridge to get over that part of the journey. His cross was just too short.

I look at that and think there must be a reason God wants me in this place in my life. And I know He is preparing me for something big.

My friend and I were just talking about how it feels like we're being punished. I know God doesn't work that way. But. Then I read in His Word about what a blessing from God children are. It's hard not to feel punished.

So there it is. That's the ugly.

But you should know it hasn't always been ugly. The last three years have been a roller coaster. There are days when I've honestly talked to God and have been okay with it. I've told Him to ruin me. To break me. To carry out His Will in my life. I guess he was listening then because He's been working overtime since. You would think He'd take a break when I was crying in the middle of the mall. He didn't.

Surely He's preparing me for something BIG.