Work. In. Progress.

Cutting straight to it.

I got an email from a friend the other day.

She said something about me being godly.

I thought she was off her rocker.

The truth is. I do love God. I have a heart for the Lord.

And I want to be conformed to His image.

Reality is. I stink at it. He has a lot of work left to do in me.

Example 958:

I can look at an amazing sunrise or sunset. a miracle baby. a cancer survivor. a restored family. a recovering addict. this beautiful moon.

And I can see Him.

I know it's His work. I know He's beautiful.

Then. Within moments of snapping a picture of His work. While I'm trying to upload the picture and I accidentally shove my SD card into the CD slot. and it gets stuck. I'm quick to forget about Him and jump to other resources.

When they don't work. I get discouraged. I overreact.

I realize. in the big picture. wrecking my computer and losing an SD card of pictures is very minor.

I redirect my focus on Him.

I go to what should have been my first resource. Him. I pray.

And wouldn't you know it. I tip the computer one more time and out it comes.

And I see Him. Again.

Lord, help me to not be anxious about anything. Big or small. But in everything. by prayer and petition. with thanksgiving. Help me present my request to You. Nothing is too big for You. Nothing is too small for You. Help me set my eyes to You first.

Philippians 4:6

I've Been There

I did it again (remember this sweet girl? and countless more I haven't posted about..). I messaged a stranger on facebook. At least this time I had met the person in real life before (once).

I was on Holly's page and read her friend's status. She was questioning why God does the things He does.

Lord knows I've been there.

Heck, most of you know I've been there, too.

So I prayed for her. There was a gentle whisper to send her a message. It was gentle enough I could quiet it.

Moments later, as I was catching up on this week's Bible study, it finished with the following message.

"Christ has a purpose in our pain or He never would have allowed it."
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
The primary reference of all things is the suffering of this present time. All circumstances will work together in cooperation for the believers good- that is, the believer will be conformed to Jesus Christ now and reign with Him later. God does everything, including redemption, in order to accomplish His overarching plan.
"Until you surrender to His purpose in the specific matter at hand, He cannot work it for your good. Do you know what that means? It all happened in vain- for absolutely nothing."

That Whisper got louder. It blessed me. I thought it might bless her too. And you know that I sent it to her in a message. I fear my heart for the Lord comes across as nutty sometimes (most of the time?).

But He loves me anyway.

'Hope Which Was Lost, Now Stands Renewed'

We sang two of my favorite songs at church this morning. You can probably guess the first one.

The second one is Saviour King. Beautiful.

Yum

Another Win

I got to eat dinner with one of my favorite families tonight. The boys did some pre-game warm ups before we left for R's game. On the way to the game, I.P. was asking J who he was going to invite to his (August) birthday party.

I.P: "Rusty?"

J: "Let me think....... if they lose tonight, no. If they win tonight, yes."

The game was in R's hometown so Papa Kev made it out. R's team got another win tonight so now they play Monday to go to the state tournament. But more importantly, R gets invited to J's birthday party!

The Journey

Today was about the journey.

As I got in the car to go home today it was beautiful out (in the "look at those blue skies, thankful I'm in a heated car and my nose hairs are thawing out," sense).

There was a great song on the radio.

And I was looking above to Him.

I was thankful the roads were finally clear enough that I could drive the speed limit.

And then I slowed down.

I slowed way down and took it all in.

I thought about my journey home.

And my journey Home.

I thought about the choices He's let me make along the way.
The gems He's blessed me with.
The encouragement I've been blessed with.The times I've misfired.

And the time's he's picked me up and directed my attention upward again.

I thought about the staples in my life.

I thought about Him.

And how He is always faithful.

And how He is always leading me closer to Home.

If you happen to check out Hickstionary Project 365, you may have noticed another analogy to the journey tonight. He's always hitting me upside the head so good at making His point clear.

Distraction

'Brothers & Sisters' is a little too much for me tonight. He makes a good distraction don't you think?

Part 1

Updated: I typed this out the same night I typed Intro to an Intro because I was feeling nudged to. But I decided not to post it anyway. One excuse I had after another was clearly answered. I felt the nudge turning into a beating upside the head. Then as a last excuse, "It's so insignificant," I read this last night (probably by the time I actually post this it will have been more than a night ago): He is calling you to go out on a limb and tell His story, even if it feels insignificant.

So here we go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before I start, can I just complain again that this is hard for me. If you haven't read Intro to an Intro yet, go do that so I know some of my whining reasons for being hesitant are heard. Thanks. :)

If you've read my introduction on the Complacency Challenge, you know I was introduced to God at an early age. So you wont read about a single pivotal moment when God swooped in. I guess I'm a slow learner. If you can bear with me, keep reading. If not, come back later this week and I'll try to post some pictures of cute kids and get back to my previously styled blogging. :)

Also, I want to disclaim that there are some people that have played pivotal roles in my His story and I didn't always like it at the time. Telling my His story includes telling a little bit of the ugly. I'm in no way doing that to hurt anyone. In fact, if you read about someone in this story it's because God used them to play a huge role in my life to bring me closer to Him and make me who I am today.

For that I am grateful. And for that, I love them.

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"Does anybody want to share about a time they experienced an ugly cry? (That time in your life you held it all in until you absolutely couldn't anymore and just let it out. And it was ugly?)"

Ha. Is she serious? Who does she think she is? Beth Moore or something? I'm not sitting in this group of women sharing about my ugly cry.

"Heidi, do you want to share yours?"

Really... she's calling me out?!? I suppose I could share about the time I had been away from home for several months only to miss my connecting flight home. And the ugly cry I experienced as I watched my plane taxi down the runway. Without me on it.

"No... I cant think of one."

Driving home it snuck up on me again. All of a sudden I'm 14. I could hear the crack. My head slamming against the concrete. Friends standing around watching. Nobody brave enough to do anything. Nobody talking. Nobody crying. Especially not me. I closed my eyes and waited for it to be over. Blow after blow. I wouldn't cry. I couldn't.

When it was over I picked myself up. I started to walk away. And then ran. I ran as fast as I could. Not trying to outrun the person that did this to me. Just trying to outrun the tears. They were coming fast. And I couldn't stop them.

They continued to come fast for quite sometime.

At first, they came because I felt rejected by the people in my life that were supposed to love me. I started looking for love in so many other places. Some of those places I was looking took advantage of me. I blamed myself. I thought alcohol was a good friend for quite awhile. I believed the lies Satan was screaming in my face. I was certain my footprints were the only ones in the sand.

I continued to play the role I thought I was supposed to play. I was sure I had everyone fooled. Every time my picture was in the paper for an award or good grades, I felt like an impostor. I didn't know who that girl in the paper was. She looked put together. I was broken.

That girl reluctantly went to college. I cant remember for sure who filled out my college application. It was either my guidance counselor or former FCS teacher. I know I didn't. I had no intention of going to school. But at the very least it was a way out of town. As a bonus, my major of FCS education would surely teach me how to be a great wife and mother, right?

It was a rough freshman year. Our family had a lot of medical and other issues come up. I was too selfish, too afraid, too hurt to go back and acknowledge many of them.

One of those issues came up September 11, 2001. I'm sure you remember where you were that day. I know I do. That was the day my grandma, my best friend, my entire support system, was diagnosed with cancer. Again. It didn't look good. By the following March she left life on this earth to live with Him. I was devastated.

The following summer, I couldn't wait to get away. I moved to New York and worked at a camp for children with special needs.

It changed my life.

God had a lot to say to me that summer. Mostly he told me about how selfish I was. He showed me so many children that were in horrible, awful, situations. I felt rejected by so many people that were supposed to love me. But I was helping children who watched a parent kill the rest of their family members before they barely escaped with their own life. Rejection, huh? Mine wasn't tasting so bad right now.

I came home searching for answers. Remember that girl in the newspapers? She was a good Bible Study girl too. She went to church nearly every Sunday (and Wednesday). She wasn't clueless as to who God was and the stories in the Bible. But then again, she didn't really know Him.

The next year of college I really started learning about other religions. By the end of this year I had attended most of the churches in my small college city. What started as a quest to know Him deeper, left me more confused about God than I had ever been before.

I also had some (that may be an understatement...) health issues come up this year. While I have pictures of all sorts of my organs, I don't remember a lot about the treatments, diagnosis, and surgery.

What I remember is sitting in the Dr's office in 2002 and being told by my Dr that I would likely never be able to have children on my own. 'Further more,' he added, 'if you plan to have children, you need to be done within 10 years then have your ovaries removed.' Really? Of course I wanted to be a mother, remember that FCS major bonus? But I didn't even have a serious boyfriend to speak of. 2012 seemed like a long ways off but that was a tall order to fit into my 10 year plan. My life plan changed from wanting 12 kids to "maybe just a few."

The health issues multiplied from there and I would remain to be a medical mystery for quite some time. Again, I started looking for love and attention from anyone but God and thought alcohol was a good friend. I spent a lot of time praying, if you can call it that. I'm sure God just saw me as wallowing in my sin. My attempts at turning it around were half-hearted at best. That impostor was sitting in the church pews again. As the clock was ticking and I felt my countdown to 2012 getting closer, I was feeling hopeless.

By 2005, I had graduated from college and was working my first "real" job. I shared a classroom with the PE teacher. I hated PE. But he was cute. And funny. We started spending a lot of time together.

I remember the exact moment I knew I was going to marry him. We were driving back to our small college town for a weekend. As we were merging onto I-35 at the mixmaster he was talking about some of his inner city Houston kids from his last job. He. got. me. I was sure at this point God had sent him just for me.

We made some moves and found jobs where we thought God wanted us to be (for now) and together, we started looking for a church. In our first year of marriage (and second) we went through more than most couples do that have been married for 25 years. Those aren't my words, they come from our marriage counselor. Well the first one, anyway.

Life. is. not. easy.

There are times in my life when I question God. There are times when I'm so focused on myself and cant understand why God wouldn't also be. Sometimes I feel like He's forgotten me. I was hurt. I blamed Him. I questioned Him. I couldn't believe that He would really allow me to go through hurt after hurt. He must have not been much of a god if he couldn't fix this mess.

But. God is good.

He never gave up on me. He kept working in my life. and He still is.

I may still be a mess. But I'm His mess.

Rusty and I started attending church. Pretty casually at first. We were interested in finding a church home but were more interested in having a church home for our future children. We had no intentions of digging in deep. We started attending a bigger church with some good friends (the same great friend that helped me survive my first 'real' job!). Rusty was happy there and I was comfortable. We stayed.

My life started changing. I was unfriended by some. It hurt. I felt rejection creeping in. again.

But. God is faithful.

He replaced those empty relationships with real ones. He injected some God loving, real friends into my life. I was (and am) inspired and challenged by those new relationships. One friend in particular had something I wanted. And it was obvious her joy and peace was coming from Him.

God worked through this friend, and my husband, and our counselor, and His Word, and so many more life circumstances to restore me. He has given me so many reasons to stop focusing on all the hurts in life and start focusing on things Above. Especially when those things Above are actually right in front of me. He has restored me with the things that really matter.

I really started talking to God. I stopped wallowing in my sin and really wanted to get to know Him. He loves me. For who I am. Impostor and not. I'm His. And I am loved.

I started another Bible study. This time I was really in it. I didn't feel like an impostor. Another friend challenged me to write about it and I did. I learned a lot about myself and God through the process.

I'm still a work in process. God has something new to teach me everyday. My life isn't perfect and there are a lot of things Rusty and I would like but don't have. But one lesson God has instilled in me over and over is that all things are perfect in His time. And He has taken, and will continue to take, my pain and turn it into perfect Glory to Him. He is working all things for my good. Even though I don't deserve it.

I don't know what He has in store for us. And I can't say that it will be easy. But I am Hope Filled and know He will continue to carry me on this journey.

Do you know Him? Are you letting Him carry you?

Random Saturday

My brother was in town this weekend. We hadn't seen him since Christmas. We ate at Taki. I got to see this little guy's mama. And her sister. I went wedding shopping with my sister. But didn't take a picture. Someone found the Hickstionary by searching for sugar free today. How's that for random?

Warm Thoughts

As I sit at the computer with freezing hands tonight (yes, I may have rearranged my plans so I could be at home for one night this week and then used my dog as my scapegoat), I am trying to think warm thoughts.

It didn't work so I cranked the heater up to 71.

Then tried to update my Project 365. I tried out those fancy schmancy rounded corners so had to save it as a png. I was unsuccessful at uploading the png. Instead, I uploaded it via photobucket. While in photobucket, I saw an old(er) photo.

It reminded me of warmer times.

And our nephew's undeniably great fashion sense. But I'll save that post for another day.

Choose Joy

I'm crabby.

And apparently my husband has noticed.

He came home from the grocery store with some flaked crab. It's not something we normally purchase. It wasn't on the grocery list. And he doesn't even know what it is. But he brought it home to me anyway. Apparently he's noticed how crabby I've been. And bought me some crab. Because misery loves company. Come to think of it, that sushi from yesterday.... yup, it was crab too. (I can see this quickly derailing into a "You are What You Eat" post.... I'll do my best to get it back on track but excuse me for just a second while I grab some fruit......)

There's no one in particular reason for my crabbiness. Nothing major. In fact, my thought process on my way to Bible study tonight went something like this....

"Seriously, does the city even clear this road?! Lord, why can't they just be on board with my idea? I really am getting frustrated with this. And what is the deal with me lately? Why am I so misunderstood? I was NOT rude to that person. They had no reason to treat me that way. Since when did that fall into THEIR job description?! Ugh. I'm so tired of that. I'm so tired of this. Another month, really Lord? When is Your timing going to meet up with my timing? How do they expect us to see over these drifts? They are bigger than my car. I feel like I'm driving through a tunnel here, Lord. Do you realize by the end of the day I will have been in my car for nearly three hours just to do my normal Monday routine? What is the deal with all this snow? Is it ever going to end? Is basketball season ever going to end? When is it going to be warm out?" Etc. Etc. Etc.

Are you catching my drift?

I. am. crabby.

And then I show up at Bible study. And there's happy doh dappy Beth Moore on the big screen.

"JOY. We are commanded to rejoice and in Christ, we ALWAYS have a reason."

Always? Ugh. What's my reason for joy right now, Lord?

"The very least of our reasons to rejoice is our salvation. Have joy in the fact that your name is written in heaven!"

Oh... yeah... I remember that from this week's study. I guess You are right... So why am I so crabby?!

"JOY. Realize that everything we're going through pales in comparison to His greatness and goodness to us!"

Wow.

It's true. The Lord has been good to me. The Lord is good to me. He blesses me abundantly. Despite my circumstances, I am loved by Him. I am blessed by Him. He has written my name in Heaven. Joy.

When this world has given me more than I can handle- the Lord has a joy to come for me that is greater than anything in this world. Joy.

Before we leave, a sweet woman in my small group reminds us there are only 33 days left until spring. Joy.

As we are walking out, the same sweet lady asks us to make snow angels with her (she was joking, I think). As she walks ahead, a new friend from group grabs a snow ball. I follow her lead and we take advantage of the 'few' days we have left to play in the snow by sharing (right upside her head) with the sweet woman that reminded us of how soon winter will be over. JOY.

Lord, Thank You for the JOY. Thank You for being so good to me. Your goodness and greatness is more than reason enough for me to rejoice! I thank You for the reminders, large and small, of that feeling of joy. Thank You for the reasons You give me to rejoice. Lord, help me to always stop looking at the snow in my life with grumbling and complaints and help me to turn it into snowballs, snow angels, and laughter. Help me to always rejoice in You! Amen

It's Simple.

As I sit home alone (I'm not going to lie, I'm excited we are nearing the end of basketball season) reading everyone's blog posts and Facebook statuses about Valentine's Day, I look around the house and see a ton of reminders of my husband's love for me.

There's the sticky notes he's left for me. A sweet card. Various gifts he's given me. Jobs he's done around the house (ummm, the house itself). Pictures of his smiling face. Flowers he sent me (I know, I was shocked too!). Gifts from friends about love. And lots of mementos from our wedding day (can you tell most of our housing decor is handmade or from our wedding?).

Some of my favorite reminders of his love for me are all of the time and effort he puts into our relationship. Right now he's studying Love & Respect and seems to really be enjoying it. I love that. I love seeing him digging into the Word and seeing his desire to be a better husband (of course I already think he is a pretty great husband!). I love coming home to find him studying the Bible. I love seeing his Love & Respect book on his nightstand.

But one of the simplest reminders of my husbands love for me is this. The roll of toilet paper actually on the roll and not on the back of the toilet. That's true love.

Funny Valentine

My funny Valentine {maddox} came to visit us today. Okay... actually, Holly was here doing wedding stuff and I talked her into bringing him with. Either way, he was here. He got his Valentine (remember the tie shirt?). And he was funny.

Notice the clean face and clean shirt (on Maddox, too)....

Obviously there has to be bed jumping time while at Aunt H's house.

He's a wild{and funny} one.

But he has another side, too.

{Sometimes} He's quiet and contemplative. He's an observer and a thinker.

That just wants to be left alone without a camera in his face. ;)

But {always} he's a very sweet little boy.

That enjoys his Texas Roadhouse.

(Yes, I realize that doesn't really go along with the rest of this post but we all got to eat at the Roadhouse and we missed Todd a lot while we were there. This picture is for him. -I also realize that Uppercase Living expressions are not meant to be taped to the wall still on the backing. I, however, have been too busy (lazy?) to do anything else with it. Maybe I'll have an updated picture with it up soon??)

So Long!

If you're a Beth Moore fan, you probably already have a copy of her new book and know all of this... if not, read on.

If you have never heard of Beth Moore, never read a Beth Moore book, never seen Beth Moore (I've, so far, only seen her in action in the video world. Hoping to change that this summer), or never done a Beth Moore Bible study, I strongly recommend you start, now!

Her love of the Lord is contagious and she's super motivating... In her sweet southern charm kinda way.

Her new book, "So Long, Insecurity" is out now. (I posted my photo of the day of it awhile back.) She is starting a discussion piece to go along with it over on her blog.

On April 24th, there will be a live simulcast (all over the country) where she will talk about this very topic. Our church is hosting so if you are local and want to attend, I would LOVE to have you come with me! If you aren't local, there's a lot of other churches hosting too. You can get more information about all of that right here.

I need to go get started on my first piece of homework for it. Lord knows I need it. (And K. knows too. I was asking her about a million times last night if I should even keep my blog public anymore because I'm so insecure. Ha)

Intro to an Intro

I've never actually introduced myself on my blog before.

It's really never been necessary.

After all, my husband, my cousin, and a couple of friends were the only ones that ever read my blog for the longest time. They all know who I am. In fact, I didn't even have an "about me" ditty on the side until just recently. I only recently updated that because of my new found love of photoshop and it was just another page element to create. And while I've made some new friends in the blog world, it's still not really necessary for me to introduce myself in that format. Because after all, if you explore my blog for a little bit, you'll get an idea of who I am.

But.

I've felt like God's been pushing me to tell my story.

I know. It sounds crazy to me too. Mostly because my defense is, "but I don't have a story." And then I feel Him telling me that's crazy because we all do.

It's true, I've read a lot of people's 'stories.' I've often heard them referred to as their 'God story.' A story of the pivotal moment in their life when God intercepted and changed things for good.

I can't relate to that.

God and I go way back and it hasn't always been pretty.

I attempted to introduce myself here when Mary and I started our Complacency Challenge (what a blessing that was to me!). But it was barely a start.

So before I attempt to tell my story, can I just complain that I don't want to share 'my story.' "It's kind of ugly. I don't want to put that out there for just anyone to see." Well A.) What makes me assume they don't think my current story is ugly? and B.) IF they don't think my current story is ugly, maybe they will see how great God really is. and what great work He can do. Really.

So bear with me while I gather my thoughts and attempt to share my His story. Soon.

Super Day

Sunday was a Super Day. They had infant dedications and baptisms at church. One of babies is the son of a sweet gal from my Bible study. Rusty and I left at the end of the service so she sent me the videos of what we missed. I was expecting Pastor Mike to make me laugh. Instead, what he said about S's little gift from God made me cry. It was really special!

A few people came over yesterday afternoon. Of course our lovely weather changed some people's plans but that's okay, I'd rather have them home safe than on the roads. Plus, I don't think I could have eaten any more food so I'm sure it was for the best.

As always, these little guys were entertaining. Dakota loves the extra attention he gets when the boys are over and we love how tired he is at the end of the day!

Today we got home early because of the weather and spent our afternoon eating way too many leftovers from yesterday.

That makes for two super days in a row... hope you had a Super Day, too!

Double Cuteness

Wednesday some friends came over for dinner and I got to snap pictures of the girls for a project their momma is working on. It was dark out and the lighting was horrible and I was trying out new settings so I messed up a lot of pictures. Thankfully twins are cute no matter what! Especially when one is pouting and the other so sweetly talks her sister into taking pictures with her. Lots of love between these two!

Super Easy Chocolate Fix

AKA Chocolate Eclair Dessert

Beat:

2 packages french vanilla pudding

3 C. milk

Fold in:

8 oz (or more) cool whip

Layer into 9x13 pan (or custard cups) with graham crackers.

Top with chocolate sauce:

Melt 4 Bakers chocolate squares

Stir in:

1/4 C. butter

1/4 C. corn syrup

1 C. powder sugar

3-5 T. milk

Refrigerate at least 8 hours.

Yup. It's that easy. And pretty tasty, too! Thanks, Robin!

Happy Birthday, Ang!

Today is one of my very best friends, Ang's birthday. Here is a picture of her birthday last year. We always end up having to celebrate it during the Super Bowl because of basketball...

Ang is such an amazing friend to so many people. She has a huge heart and is such a loving and giving person. I have never met anyone that doesn't love Ang and I don't know of anyone that could ever have a negative word to say about her. She is always so positive and such a great example of sharing the Lord's agape love. There are a lot of friends that will share your sorrows, but not a lot of friends will rejoice with you. Ang is a friend that I can cry to or truly rejoice with. She and her husband, Gabe, are such an inspiration to Rusty & I. They have done so much for us and are always there. No matter what.

Plus, she's so stinkin' cute she even looks good in a potato sack!

Love you, Ang! Happy Birthday!!

Updated: Another Super Bowl birthday cake: